Last night I lost my mind...and I don't mean figuratively. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but at some point during the evening from what my husband tells me I got angry and upset about something. I went upstairs. He found me later lying on the bed, crying and not knowing where I was. Of course a trip to the ER ensued. That part is very hazy to me this morning. I still don't remember going up the stairs, lying on the bed, coming back down with Brad's help or the trip to the ER.
I do know when we got to the ER he was asking me a lot of questions that I couldn't remember the answers to. I couldn't remember if I had a job, if I had friends...who those friends were. Slowly things started to get clearer and I calmed down. After a nice long, long, long wait in the ER I begged him to take me home. We arrived back at the house around 2a.m. and I will go see my regular doctor today.
So I think I have officially lost my mind. Stress can kill that's for sure. Between unemployment, trying to break into the writing world, financial problems and just life in general...my poor little brain didn't stand a chance.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be good to go again, but if I'm not on this blog for a day or two...well you understand dear followers.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
TRASH
It never ceases to surprise me when someone comments on how "together" I am. I am such an insecure individual it borders on the ridiculous. I was told from the young age of six that I would never amount to anything and would always just be "gutter tripe"...and a part of my psyche believed that. I've worked my entire life to overcome these uncertainties about myself as a human being and although I've made great progress...thanks to the help of some amazing, wonderful friends I've had over the years...I am still not to the point where I can brag on myself.
To be a successful writer...especially in this day and age...you need to be able to promote yourself. You need to truly believe that you are a talent just waiting to be discovered and you need to portray yourself as something as good as chocolate truffles that won't make you gain an ounce. I freeze too easily in the face of negativity. Over and over again I read in books about becoming a published author that you must have thick skin. Where do I purchase one of those thick skin suits, cause it sure would be worth the investment?
I read things that others have written and gotten published and I'm in awe. Some of it is pure crap and yet I know those people had something I lack..."self confidence". I may not show the doubt I have in myself and my abilities...but they are there and when I'm alone my head hurts from trying not to dwell on them and yet not being able to shut off that little voice in my head saying, "you are trash and you will never amount to anything."
How do I do that? I need to move on with submitting my completed manuscript to agents. So what if two of them rejected it...there are hundreds more I can submit to...but my fear is choking me up. Today...I will have to work on trying to loosen the strangle hold the demons inside me seem to have produced in my life and figure out a way to truly believe I AM A WRITER and that I can get published! Wish me luck................
To be a successful writer...especially in this day and age...you need to be able to promote yourself. You need to truly believe that you are a talent just waiting to be discovered and you need to portray yourself as something as good as chocolate truffles that won't make you gain an ounce. I freeze too easily in the face of negativity. Over and over again I read in books about becoming a published author that you must have thick skin. Where do I purchase one of those thick skin suits, cause it sure would be worth the investment?
I read things that others have written and gotten published and I'm in awe. Some of it is pure crap and yet I know those people had something I lack..."self confidence". I may not show the doubt I have in myself and my abilities...but they are there and when I'm alone my head hurts from trying not to dwell on them and yet not being able to shut off that little voice in my head saying, "you are trash and you will never amount to anything."
How do I do that? I need to move on with submitting my completed manuscript to agents. So what if two of them rejected it...there are hundreds more I can submit to...but my fear is choking me up. Today...I will have to work on trying to loosen the strangle hold the demons inside me seem to have produced in my life and figure out a way to truly believe I AM A WRITER and that I can get published! Wish me luck................
Thursday, September 24, 2009
BOUNDARIES
I've posted 60 blogs so far. Today is number 61. I'm proud of myself for sticking to this and a huge thanks to all of you who have signed on as followers...even if you don't read it, so you'll never see this. Thanks also to those of you who have not only signed on, but leave me comments periodically either on this site or via my email address. I love and appreciate each and every one of you. You are true friends.
Writing is a messy business. I can't remember the last time I saw my diningroom table without papers scattered all over it, flash drives lying about, reference books piled high, pens, pencils and yet for some reason...I still have the placemats on the table. But I'm using the placemats. One for my laptop, one for the box with my completed manuscript, one for books, one for mailing envelopes, even one for writing tools along with pads of paper. I think it's funny that I don't have anything sitting on the table unless it's on a placemat. No free-range writing paraphernalia.
I wonder when the "placemat" was first used. It's such a nice item for defining space. Before the placement there was just the great big tablecloth. What kept your knife and fork in your designated table area? What was to keep it from creeping over into your partner's area? How did we really know whose drink was whose? Dah, Dah...enter the PLACEMAT! No longer is it a problem telling what area of the diningroom table belongs to whom. Now your area is mapped out for you...marked out with clear boundaries. Any part of the table that doesn't have a placemat is open range. These spots are for things we want to share with others. But the placemat in front of me...that's mine, all mine. Don't cross my placemat line to grab food from my plate or borrow a utensil. If I wish to share...I will hand you the item in question...otherwise...stay back! This is my spot!
I hate round or square placemats. Who the heck came up with that idea? There's not enough room on one of those things for me to keep all my stuff on it. If I have a placemat I want it to be rectangular...a large rectangle is best. Room for my plates, cup, utensils and napkin. My little world...Deblandia. Welcome to my world...by invitation only.
Okay...back to serious writing...coming to you from my laptop, sitting nicely in the middle of my placemat, atop my messy diningroom table.
Writing is a messy business. I can't remember the last time I saw my diningroom table without papers scattered all over it, flash drives lying about, reference books piled high, pens, pencils and yet for some reason...I still have the placemats on the table. But I'm using the placemats. One for my laptop, one for the box with my completed manuscript, one for books, one for mailing envelopes, even one for writing tools along with pads of paper. I think it's funny that I don't have anything sitting on the table unless it's on a placemat. No free-range writing paraphernalia.
I wonder when the "placemat" was first used. It's such a nice item for defining space. Before the placement there was just the great big tablecloth. What kept your knife and fork in your designated table area? What was to keep it from creeping over into your partner's area? How did we really know whose drink was whose? Dah, Dah...enter the PLACEMAT! No longer is it a problem telling what area of the diningroom table belongs to whom. Now your area is mapped out for you...marked out with clear boundaries. Any part of the table that doesn't have a placemat is open range. These spots are for things we want to share with others. But the placemat in front of me...that's mine, all mine. Don't cross my placemat line to grab food from my plate or borrow a utensil. If I wish to share...I will hand you the item in question...otherwise...stay back! This is my spot!
I hate round or square placemats. Who the heck came up with that idea? There's not enough room on one of those things for me to keep all my stuff on it. If I have a placemat I want it to be rectangular...a large rectangle is best. Room for my plates, cup, utensils and napkin. My little world...Deblandia. Welcome to my world...by invitation only.
Okay...back to serious writing...coming to you from my laptop, sitting nicely in the middle of my placemat, atop my messy diningroom table.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
"CRITICAL" REPORT
I didn't do one blessed thing yesterday as far as writing goes. Very short "accomplishments" list for the day. Very disappointed in myself. I MUST do better today.
I did discover a wonderful cure for insomnia though, this past weekend. The Informant starring Matt Damon. Wow, what a snooze fest this movie is. It's basically just a lot of blah, blah, blah...over half way through the movie you "get it" but by then...I'd really lost interest. There are a couple of snicker funny parts in it, but no laugh out loud moments. Too many "guarded looks" going on between the actors, conversations are basically on a monotone level and well...that did make for some great sleeping! I'm thinking about buying it when it comes out on DVD and then plugging it in on those nights when my brain just doesn't want to shut down and I'm sure to get a peaceful nights sleep.
Considering it was based on a true story, it had the potential to be really good, but definitely fell short of it's goal.
I did discover a wonderful cure for insomnia though, this past weekend. The Informant starring Matt Damon. Wow, what a snooze fest this movie is. It's basically just a lot of blah, blah, blah...over half way through the movie you "get it" but by then...I'd really lost interest. There are a couple of snicker funny parts in it, but no laugh out loud moments. Too many "guarded looks" going on between the actors, conversations are basically on a monotone level and well...that did make for some great sleeping! I'm thinking about buying it when it comes out on DVD and then plugging it in on those nights when my brain just doesn't want to shut down and I'm sure to get a peaceful nights sleep.
Considering it was based on a true story, it had the potential to be really good, but definitely fell short of it's goal.
Monday, September 21, 2009
BATHROOM ASPIRATIONS
Went to a wonderful Meetup gathering on Saturday night. A publisher from Novello Festival Press was there along with two copy editors. The information they passed on was amazing and I'm so glad that I went.
Besides the great tips I received...I acquired a new aspiration while attending the meeting! I want to be in the Quail Ridge Bookstore bathroom! This is the first time I have visited those facilities and besides loving the really cool table, in there, which looks like a pile of books...the walls are covered with autographed framed photos of authors who have visited the store. I have to admit all those people staring at you while you "take care of business" can be a little disconcerting, but I spent an extra ten minutes just checking out all the pictures. I want to be on that wall! I never thought I'd want to spend anymore than time than absolutely necessary in a public co-ed bathrooom, but this has now become my dream. You can have your Walk-of-Fame Hollywood...I crave a spot on the Quail Ridge lavatory wall. When I see my picture there...then and only then...will I know I have truly MADE it to the big time!
Besides the great tips I received...I acquired a new aspiration while attending the meeting! I want to be in the Quail Ridge Bookstore bathroom! This is the first time I have visited those facilities and besides loving the really cool table, in there, which looks like a pile of books...the walls are covered with autographed framed photos of authors who have visited the store. I have to admit all those people staring at you while you "take care of business" can be a little disconcerting, but I spent an extra ten minutes just checking out all the pictures. I want to be on that wall! I never thought I'd want to spend anymore than time than absolutely necessary in a public co-ed bathrooom, but this has now become my dream. You can have your Walk-of-Fame Hollywood...I crave a spot on the Quail Ridge lavatory wall. When I see my picture there...then and only then...will I know I have truly MADE it to the big time!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
PATRICK SWAYZE
Lately I've been seeing a lot of stories both in print and on the tube about amazing people, living amazing lives and overcoming unbelievable obstacles. R.I.P. Patrick Swayze. Here's a man with cancer so bad, that he would (in his words) lay on the bathroom floor at night for hours in excruciating pain, cursing the cancer eating him up, but he still got dressed each morning and went to the studio to tape his TV show. He refused to give up. He refused to give in. He just kept on going.
This kind of determination is something I wish I possessed. I don't think I'd have that kind of strength. I want to believe I do though. I want to believe that faced with insurmountable odds I would push forward and strive to triumph. Don't we all wish we had this kind of enduring spirit?
I will remember Patrick whenever I am tempted to lay in bed for another hour, or not tackle a simple re-write, or don't want to climb onto the treadmill for an hour. I have no excuse. I am healthy, strong and vital. I won't waste this precious life I've been given.
And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years...Abraham Lincoln
This kind of determination is something I wish I possessed. I don't think I'd have that kind of strength. I want to believe I do though. I want to believe that faced with insurmountable odds I would push forward and strive to triumph. Don't we all wish we had this kind of enduring spirit?
I will remember Patrick whenever I am tempted to lay in bed for another hour, or not tackle a simple re-write, or don't want to climb onto the treadmill for an hour. I have no excuse. I am healthy, strong and vital. I won't waste this precious life I've been given.
And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years...Abraham Lincoln
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
WEEKEND GRIEVING
There's always kind of a let-down after a long weekend, isn't there? A kind of sadness and grieving process needs to take place before we can move on and accept the fact that "it's back to work time". Even though I am currently among the "unemployed" in this grand nation of ours, I am still treating my novel production as a "job". But, I took this weekend to have fun on the water, enjoy a movie and spend time with friends. It's back to the grind of writing now.
Today I plan to complete the final draft of my short story for the Greensboro Review contest. I tend to procrastinate, but this time my goal is to have the story out the door no later than Friday, the 11th. Okay so maybe that's cutting it a little close to the wire...but at least I'm not over-nighting it on the 14th.
It's a dreary day, but my story line is rather dark, so maybe this weather will set a good backdrop to script about my childhood angst. Till tomorrow...........
Today I plan to complete the final draft of my short story for the Greensboro Review contest. I tend to procrastinate, but this time my goal is to have the story out the door no later than Friday, the 11th. Okay so maybe that's cutting it a little close to the wire...but at least I'm not over-nighting it on the 14th.
It's a dreary day, but my story line is rather dark, so maybe this weather will set a good backdrop to script about my childhood angst. Till tomorrow...........
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