My daughter was sitting on the sofa a couple of nights ago with her new guy friend and somehow the conversation got around to her moving back home. Suddenly she is informing me that a friend of hers has an extra bedroom available in her apartment. HUH? I thought my daughter wanted to be here? I actually thought life had gotten pretty damn good for her since she moved in with us. Now she's talking like she wants to move out and it's only been two months.
Granted...this living situation has been very tense at times. She is used to just coming, going and doing whatever she wants. BUT, she also had to clean her own dishes, do her laundry, take care of her dog, iron her own clothes, cook her meals...all chores that mom has taken over since she's moved in.
Yeah, I know...I know...why in the hell am I doing all this stuff for her? I guess I'm just a caregiver. I actually enjoy taking care of people. I do think that at this point though...maybe, just maybe I'm being taken advantage of. A meal cooked for us once in awhile would be nice...or maybe some of our laundry done as she does a load for herself. A house cleaning...THAT would be awesome!!
When we first talked about her moving back in with us...she was going to do all this and more. But I think she's enjoying having "free time" way too much. So why would she even mention moving out and maybe in with someone else? Hmmmm, go figure...and why in the hell weren't we aware of this option before we painted her room two tone pink and moved my exercise equipment????
One year. I think one year is a reasonable time for her to stay with us, get back on her feet financially and then get a roommate and move. So I'm not going to take this conversation seriously. Gotta go...laundry to do.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN
I married my second husband right after my daughter turned 13. Shortly after the marriage we relocated to a town hundreds of miles away from where my daughter had lived since she was 3 years old. We sat down, as a new family, discussed the move and all of us decided this would be a fun adventure. Little did I know how much fun we were NOT going to have raising a teenager in a big city where she knew virtually no one.
From the age of 14 to about 17 I lovingly referred to my daughter as "the spawn from Hell". I honestly could not fathom who this new, angry, rebellious person was inhabiting the body of what used to be my loving, obedient child. Neither could my new husband. Although he'd never admit it, I'm willing to bet he went to sleep most nights wondering what the hell he'd gotten himself into.
I was stuck in the middle. Stuck in the middle between a daughter I loved even if she was making me relive all the terror of the "Exorcist" movie and a new husband I was trying to adjust to. My husband had never been married before, never had children, didn't want children and yet he loved me enough to sign on for the task of being a father to a teenage girl. He also thought he knew everything there was about raising said teenage girl...and was very vocal about his opinions. I, however, had reared this child by myself, because her father was an absentee dad, and I didn't need or want any help or assistance in getting her through these rough times...especially by a man who'd never had a child of his own. I wanted him to just love me and care for me and be my husband, but I didn't want him giving me any unsolicited advice on how I should be taking care of my daughter. Besides, she'd never had a "dad", didn't want at "dad" and was downright ugly on all fronts where my husband was concerned.
Did this cause problems in our household? You bet your sweet ass it did. What a horrible way to start a marriage. I felt like I was a "push me/pull ya" and I didn't know what direction to turn in. The most peaceful times in our home for years was when my daughter ran away from home...which she did three times. When it was just my husband and I occupying our home...peace reigned supreme and all was quiet. She was never gone very long though and the last time she ran away, she actually came back a changed person. I don't know what happened, but when she came home she was sick and after I nursed her back to health she started to change her attitude. Unfortunately, my husband still didn't trust her and certainly didn't like her very much after everything she'd put us through...so I was still stuck in the middle of a battle of wills.
When she moved out three years ago to live with a boyfriend...tranquility was restored in our household once more. I could concentrate on just my husband. She could come and go as she pleased and I loved my new harmonious lifestyle. I'm not saying every day was a picnic for us after that, cause that's not what marriage is all about. But my husband relaxed, so I could relax and I still saw my daughter often...usually away from the house.
Last month when she broke up with her boyfriend and moved back in, both my husband and I opened our home and our hearts to her. She was hurt and wounded. She had grown, she'd matured and I thought surely she and my husband would now get along fine and we'd be one big happy family.
Oh if only it were so. Already I am feeling torn between making my husband happy and my daughter happy. Which way do I turn? He complains about her to me...she complains about him to me and I'm "stuck in the middle again"...cue music please!
From the age of 14 to about 17 I lovingly referred to my daughter as "the spawn from Hell". I honestly could not fathom who this new, angry, rebellious person was inhabiting the body of what used to be my loving, obedient child. Neither could my new husband. Although he'd never admit it, I'm willing to bet he went to sleep most nights wondering what the hell he'd gotten himself into.
I was stuck in the middle. Stuck in the middle between a daughter I loved even if she was making me relive all the terror of the "Exorcist" movie and a new husband I was trying to adjust to. My husband had never been married before, never had children, didn't want children and yet he loved me enough to sign on for the task of being a father to a teenage girl. He also thought he knew everything there was about raising said teenage girl...and was very vocal about his opinions. I, however, had reared this child by myself, because her father was an absentee dad, and I didn't need or want any help or assistance in getting her through these rough times...especially by a man who'd never had a child of his own. I wanted him to just love me and care for me and be my husband, but I didn't want him giving me any unsolicited advice on how I should be taking care of my daughter. Besides, she'd never had a "dad", didn't want at "dad" and was downright ugly on all fronts where my husband was concerned.
Did this cause problems in our household? You bet your sweet ass it did. What a horrible way to start a marriage. I felt like I was a "push me/pull ya" and I didn't know what direction to turn in. The most peaceful times in our home for years was when my daughter ran away from home...which she did three times. When it was just my husband and I occupying our home...peace reigned supreme and all was quiet. She was never gone very long though and the last time she ran away, she actually came back a changed person. I don't know what happened, but when she came home she was sick and after I nursed her back to health she started to change her attitude. Unfortunately, my husband still didn't trust her and certainly didn't like her very much after everything she'd put us through...so I was still stuck in the middle of a battle of wills.
When she moved out three years ago to live with a boyfriend...tranquility was restored in our household once more. I could concentrate on just my husband. She could come and go as she pleased and I loved my new harmonious lifestyle. I'm not saying every day was a picnic for us after that, cause that's not what marriage is all about. But my husband relaxed, so I could relax and I still saw my daughter often...usually away from the house.
Last month when she broke up with her boyfriend and moved back in, both my husband and I opened our home and our hearts to her. She was hurt and wounded. She had grown, she'd matured and I thought surely she and my husband would now get along fine and we'd be one big happy family.
Oh if only it were so. Already I am feeling torn between making my husband happy and my daughter happy. Which way do I turn? He complains about her to me...she complains about him to me and I'm "stuck in the middle again"...cue music please!
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