Last night I lost my mind...and I don't mean figuratively. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but at some point during the evening from what my husband tells me I got angry and upset about something. I went upstairs. He found me later lying on the bed, crying and not knowing where I was. Of course a trip to the ER ensued. That part is very hazy to me this morning. I still don't remember going up the stairs, lying on the bed, coming back down with Brad's help or the trip to the ER.
I do know when we got to the ER he was asking me a lot of questions that I couldn't remember the answers to. I couldn't remember if I had a job, if I had friends...who those friends were. Slowly things started to get clearer and I calmed down. After a nice long, long, long wait in the ER I begged him to take me home. We arrived back at the house around 2a.m. and I will go see my regular doctor today.
So I think I have officially lost my mind. Stress can kill that's for sure. Between unemployment, trying to break into the writing world, financial problems and just life in general...my poor little brain didn't stand a chance.
Hopefully tomorrow I will be good to go again, but if I'm not on this blog for a day or two...well you understand dear followers.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
TRASH
It never ceases to surprise me when someone comments on how "together" I am. I am such an insecure individual it borders on the ridiculous. I was told from the young age of six that I would never amount to anything and would always just be "gutter tripe"...and a part of my psyche believed that. I've worked my entire life to overcome these uncertainties about myself as a human being and although I've made great progress...thanks to the help of some amazing, wonderful friends I've had over the years...I am still not to the point where I can brag on myself.
To be a successful writer...especially in this day and age...you need to be able to promote yourself. You need to truly believe that you are a talent just waiting to be discovered and you need to portray yourself as something as good as chocolate truffles that won't make you gain an ounce. I freeze too easily in the face of negativity. Over and over again I read in books about becoming a published author that you must have thick skin. Where do I purchase one of those thick skin suits, cause it sure would be worth the investment?
I read things that others have written and gotten published and I'm in awe. Some of it is pure crap and yet I know those people had something I lack..."self confidence". I may not show the doubt I have in myself and my abilities...but they are there and when I'm alone my head hurts from trying not to dwell on them and yet not being able to shut off that little voice in my head saying, "you are trash and you will never amount to anything."
How do I do that? I need to move on with submitting my completed manuscript to agents. So what if two of them rejected it...there are hundreds more I can submit to...but my fear is choking me up. Today...I will have to work on trying to loosen the strangle hold the demons inside me seem to have produced in my life and figure out a way to truly believe I AM A WRITER and that I can get published! Wish me luck................
To be a successful writer...especially in this day and age...you need to be able to promote yourself. You need to truly believe that you are a talent just waiting to be discovered and you need to portray yourself as something as good as chocolate truffles that won't make you gain an ounce. I freeze too easily in the face of negativity. Over and over again I read in books about becoming a published author that you must have thick skin. Where do I purchase one of those thick skin suits, cause it sure would be worth the investment?
I read things that others have written and gotten published and I'm in awe. Some of it is pure crap and yet I know those people had something I lack..."self confidence". I may not show the doubt I have in myself and my abilities...but they are there and when I'm alone my head hurts from trying not to dwell on them and yet not being able to shut off that little voice in my head saying, "you are trash and you will never amount to anything."
How do I do that? I need to move on with submitting my completed manuscript to agents. So what if two of them rejected it...there are hundreds more I can submit to...but my fear is choking me up. Today...I will have to work on trying to loosen the strangle hold the demons inside me seem to have produced in my life and figure out a way to truly believe I AM A WRITER and that I can get published! Wish me luck................
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