FLOWERY FUN

Okay I confess. I didn't write one blessed word yesterday. I was up bright and early, put a roast in the crockpot, blogged and went off to play with flowers. The Moravian church here in town collects donated flowers from funerals, weddings, showers, social events, etc. and they tear the arrangements apart and re-do them into smaller arrangements and then donate them to nursing homes, shut-ins, low income families, etc. People who don't normally receive flowers. Even several retailers in town donate their flowers when they are in full bloom and they can't sell them.

Flowers make everyone smile. This was so much fun and rewarding at the same time. More churches should do this! My creativity was at full alert and I was in awe of some of the beautiful arrangements some of the ladies created. A talented group...that's for sure.

After we got done "flowering", a group of us went to lunch. We spent about two leisurely hours talking, munching and getting to know one another. I finally got home around 3:00 and needless to say...was totally and completely unmotivated to begin writing what is starting into the very dark side of my childhood. So I took a break.

Today it is dreary, rainy and joyless outside. A perfect day to be writing ugly, gloomy memories. NaNo, NaNo.........

MATTRESS TOPPER

My heart is heavy today and I feel very blah. I didn't write yesterday. I got so caught up in "life events" that I didn't get around to my manuscript at all. I've noticed a change in me. If I don't write during the day...I get sort of depressed and feel like I've failed to do my job.

I blogged yesterday and kudos to me for doing that...but I didn't open Deadly Letters and continue working on it, even though that was my game plan for yesterday afternoon. Spent the morning doing some household crap, grabbed a quick lunch with a friend, had to go Brad's store to take him some medicine he'd left at home, then came the really FUN part of the day. I went to Target to buy a mattress topper. Oi Vey. I found the one I wanted, asked an associate to scan it for a price check...great price, struggled getting it up to checkout (those things are heavy if you get a good one), no offer of help from sales associate. Got it home, struggled getting it upstairs...opened box...CRAP...someone had switched out the less expensive one for the cheap one. I got tricked. Called store, talked to manager, she checked other stores, found one, struggled to get box back downstairs, scared the hell out of dog, drove to other store, struggled to get box into store, delivered it to customer service and can you believe it...in the mood I was now in...I got MS. ATTITUDE at the service desk. I almost went Madea on her ass, I was so completely pissed off. Talked to the manager, finally got my mattress topper, lugged it out to car, drove home, lugged it upstairs, took 30 minutes to get it opened and situated on top of mattress...FINALLY I had my new mattress topper.

Was it worth all that struggling? Definitely. I slept great last night. But maybe that's just cause I was so exhausted from all the lugging and struggling. At any rate, there was no way my brain was going to function and allow me to do my manuscript re-write justice, so I wimped out. I CAN'T do this in November!!!

Today...I continue with Deadly Letters...no distractions! Ooooo was that a butterfly I just saw?

CRISIS AVERTED

OMG...almost had a heart attack this morning. I woke up to NO cable and NO internet! Panic!! I felt so cut off from the world, so helpless, frustrated and pissed at the cable company. I called their office, but couldn't get thru cause a recording told me I had to call during "office hours" which started at 5a.m. and it was 7:35 when I called. WTH??? Now I was really concerned. I mean what if aliens had arrived during the night while we were sleeping and stole all our cable signals. I called friends and family..."do you have cable?" Everyone did...except us...or so I thought. It had become personal, until I called our next door neighbors and was so relieved when they told me they didn't have any signals either. WHEW! At least the extra-terrestrials weren't just after me. I found a different number for the cable company and a wonderful recording told me it was an outage in our area and they were working on it and should have us back up and running by 8a.m. Breathe, breathe...disaster averted.

How addicted to electronics are we? Almost all of the agents I am contacting accept only emailed queries now. If I'm not connected to the internet...how could I send them anything? How could I research the agents I'm considering without internet? How could I find out about writing contests? How could I find out about possible freelance assignments? How could I Facebook???? Yeeee gads! I'm starting to sweat again just thinking about it. Breathe, breathe.......

I actually wanted to blog about something else today, but I'll save it till tomorrow. I need to get a stiff drink right now...oh wait it's only 9:15? Oh what the heck............

RE-ORGANIZING

No hablo Espanol...and that about covers it. My interview that I was so excited about yesterday was a bust. Why? Because the employer failed to state in their ad that they wanted someone who was bilingual. The interview was going great to begin with. The place was shabby and they'd never had an Admin, but I was more than willing to deal with that. I would have been the only estrogen based human in the place...but I was even willing to put up with all that testosterone...if it meant making some decent money. Things went down hill though in the middle of the meeting when I was asked if I spoke Spanish. Uh...no and I don't intend to. I'm just not interested at my age in trying to learn a new language. I'm still of the mind-set...if you want to truly "belong" in this country and contribute and hold a job then you should learn OUR language...not the other way around. So...no "jobo for meo".

I am re-energized toward my writing this morning. I got all the various manuscripts out that I've been working on and I am determined to start treating this as my full-time employment. I am starting with my blog this morning and will proceed with lining up more possible agents for Deadly Letters and looking through some of my older things to see if there is something that I can submit to either newspapers or magazines.

I am a huge fan of "So You Think You Can Dance" and last night I watched our latest recorded episode. I was really inspired by all the dancers who were cut and then just said they would keep dancing, get better and try again next year. I give up too easily. It's a major fault in my personality, so I will be working on fixing this flaw in the next few months.

Andale, andale, ariba, ariba..............

JOB PROSPECT

Today I have my first actual job interview since I was laid off January 22nd. I am nervous, excited, semi-confident and just a wee bit scared. A job interview for me, in the past, always meant...if I wanted the job...I had the job. There might have been 10 or 15 people applying for the same job, but I interview well....so, if I wanted the job I was interviewing for...I got it. These days though there are 300-400 people applying for the same job. I'm in awe of even getting a chance to interview. I drove to the office address Sunday when we got back from the beach. I wanted to be sure I didn't get lost and arrive late today. In fact, I will allow myself an extra 15 minutes to get there. If I'm early, I will park around the corner till 9:55 and then go to the location, so I arrive approximately 5 minutes early.

I am always friendly to the receptionist. I used to be a receptionist and trust me...when you leave...she WILL give her opinion of you...and trust me...her opinion will carry a lot of weight.

When I enter the office, I look the interviewer straight in the eye and continue to make eye contact through out the interview. I don't want "stare" at him/her, but I do look them in the eye periodically so they feel they can trust me. Besides there is nothing that connects two people more than looking each other in the eye...and I do want him/her to feel a connection to me.

I always have some questions ready for the interviewer. If possible I look the company up on the internet so I know something about them. When the interview is done...I stand and shake the interviewer's hand and again make that eye contact...thank him/her for their time and consideration. I ask them for one of their business cards and then leave...I don't linger fidgeting, like I don't know what to do.

If the job is something I feel I'd really like then I wait a day and then send a quick thank you to the person who interviewed me and then all I can do is sit back and wait and hope for either a second interview or a confirmation that I got the job.

All of these little tricks have served me very well in the past...in this economic time I am praying that they still will.

BTW...if I DON'T want the job...I will just fail to do all of the above and trust me...I NEVER get a call back. Unless the interviewer today decides to "interview" my boobs and not me...then I intend to do my very best to secure this position. Wish me luck!

LOSING MY MIND

Last night I lost my mind...and I don't mean figuratively. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but at some point during the evening from what my husband tells me I got angry and upset about something. I went upstairs. He found me later lying on the bed, crying and not knowing where I was. Of course a trip to the ER ensued. That part is very hazy to me this morning. I still don't remember going up the stairs, lying on the bed, coming back down with Brad's help or the trip to the ER.

I do know when we got to the ER he was asking me a lot of questions that I couldn't remember the answers to. I couldn't remember if I had a job, if I had friends...who those friends were. Slowly things started to get clearer and I calmed down. After a nice long, long, long wait in the ER I begged him to take me home. We arrived back at the house around 2a.m. and I will go see my regular doctor today.

So I think I have officially lost my mind. Stress can kill that's for sure. Between unemployment, trying to break into the writing world, financial problems and just life in general...my poor little brain didn't stand a chance.

Hopefully tomorrow I will be good to go again, but if I'm not on this blog for a day or two...well you understand dear followers.

TRASH

It never ceases to surprise me when someone comments on how "together" I am. I am such an insecure individual it borders on the ridiculous. I was told from the young age of six that I would never amount to anything and would always just be "gutter tripe"...and a part of my psyche believed that. I've worked my entire life to overcome these uncertainties about myself as a human being and although I've made great progress...thanks to the help of some amazing, wonderful friends I've had over the years...I am still not to the point where I can brag on myself.

To be a successful writer...especially in this day and age...you need to be able to promote yourself. You need to truly believe that you are a talent just waiting to be discovered and you need to portray yourself as something as good as chocolate truffles that won't make you gain an ounce. I freeze too easily in the face of negativity. Over and over again I read in books about becoming a published author that you must have thick skin. Where do I purchase one of those thick skin suits, cause it sure would be worth the investment?

I read things that others have written and gotten published and I'm in awe. Some of it is pure crap and yet I know those people had something I lack..."self confidence". I may not show the doubt I have in myself and my abilities...but they are there and when I'm alone my head hurts from trying not to dwell on them and yet not being able to shut off that little voice in my head saying, "you are trash and you will never amount to anything."

How do I do that? I need to move on with submitting my completed manuscript to agents. So what if two of them rejected it...there are hundreds more I can submit to...but my fear is choking me up. Today...I will have to work on trying to loosen the strangle hold the demons inside me seem to have produced in my life and figure out a way to truly believe I AM A WRITER and that I can get published! Wish me luck................